Plays 6 Page 4

Mrs Primrose Olivia.

  Thornhill Olivia.

  Takes her hand, holds on to it. Olivia, struck by him, is petrified.

  Mrs Primrose Olivia – Saints – the squire!

  Thornhill Howdyehdo!

  Mrs Primrose (speaking for Olivia) ‘How do you do, Sir.’ Olivia!

  Olivia I am well!

  Thornhill I vow to God you are, Madam, extremely well. Olivia blushes and withdraws her hand.

  Mrs Primrose So pleased, Mr Thornhill – Won’t you take some refreshment?

  Thornhill Should like nothing better – Extremely well.

  Mrs Primrose Our gooseberry wine, which was famous all over Wakefield, already gains reputation here.

  Thornhill (going for Jenks and Vicar) Frank!

  Mrs Primrose ‘Dearest Madam.’ Moses – to your feet! Shut Epictetus and open the wine.

  Thornhill Our charming hostess offers gooseberry wine. Come, take cup.

  Jenks (aside to him) And I’d like to take Miss Bandbox into the bargain.

  Thornhill Which one? – Ah, Vicar! – (Aside.) It shall be done. (To Vicar.) Had I known, Sir, you were arrived!

  Jenks I’ve told Dr Primrose we were away on business – (To Vicar.) We returned but yesterday with two –

  Thornhill Cousins.

  Jenks Cousins.

  Mrs Primrose Attend Mr Thornhill, Olivia.

  Sophy and Olivia take wine to Jenks and Thornhill.

  Jenks Exquisite!

  Thornhill Extremely well.

  Jenks What a pretty instrument! (Sophy’s.) Would I could play on it – Eh, Ned?

  Mrs Primrose Does Mr Thornhill play, perhaps?

  Jenks Play?!

  Thornhill But tolerably, Madam. Would Miss Olivia oblige?

  Mrs Primrose Yes, a song for the gentlemen, my dear.

  Olivia I’ve discovered a throat, Mama.

  Thornhill Then you, Frank. My chaplain’s a most melodious baritone with exceptional knowledge of the modern song.

  Jenks Gladly, another time, but – Thornhill But yes, now! – Or I’ll defrock you.

  Jenks Our cousins approach.

  Thornhill Our?

  Two ladies – ‘ladies of the town’ – Blarney and Skeggs, have entered. They are laughing over something (a dirty joke). Then:

  Skeggs Ow!

  Blarney There they are! –

  Skeggs We thought we’d given you the –

  Blarney Clap! – (Interjecting, meaning ‘Shush!’)

  Skeggs Pox!

  Blarney We thought we’d lost you.

  Jenks (to Mrs Primrose) Lady Blarney and the Honourable Carolina Wilemina Amelia Skeggs.

  He follows Thornhill to join Blarney and Skeggs upstage, and they confer (conspire).

  Mrs Primrose Now I’m going to faint. The squire, a peeress, and an honourable in our meadow! What a chance! Moses, stop eating – Dick, Bill, run at once for another bottle of gooseberry wine. (They go.) None of you push forward to the cloth – Eat only what I put on your plate – I shall offer second helpings, decline them politely –

  Moses But, Mama –

  Mrs Primrose You can eat berries.

  The guests approaching. Blarney can affect style, Skeggs cannot.

  Blarney I die to meet them, Teddy, but is it not an intrusion?

  Skeggs A horrid, horrid intrusing, Capting!

  Thornhill The hospitality of this charming family made us overlook you. May I present Lady Blarney. Dr and Mrs Primrose.

  Jenks The Honourable Carolina Wilemina Amelia Skeggs. Miss Sophia Primrose.

  Thornhill Miss Olivia. And-and! (Clicking his fingers: Moses.)

  Blarney How do you do!

  Skeggs How do you do!

  Olivia Your ladyship!

  Sophy Miss Skeggs!

  Blarney Charmed!

  Skeggs Charmed!

  Mrs Primrose Je suis enchanté!

  Skeggs Je suis!

  Blarney We are recommended the country air, dontcha know. In my case, a tickling of the throat.

  Skeggs And in mine, a tickling of the – (She giggles.) Dontcha know.

  Blarney I always say that air is so – natural.

  Skeggs (to Vicar) Pure laughing gas, Capting!

  Vicar Heartily welcome. (He’s polite but he is puzzled by them all.)

  Mrs Primrose Some wine, your ladyships? Olivia, Sophia, attend.

  Blarney Now I can see why we were abandoned.

  Skeggs There’s a shape, your ladyship. (Olivia’s.)

  Blarney I can see it. Turn round, my dear.

  Skeggs Make a leg and show your breeding.

  Blarney Such modesty deserves a shrine.

  Vicar (to Jenks) Are both relatives of Mr Thornhill?

  Jenks No. She’s mine.

  Mrs Primrose I can see the family resemblance between Mr Thornhill and Lady Blarney – if you’ll pardon the observation.

  Vicar Are you his aunt, Lady Blarney?

  Blarney Dang me, Vicar! do I look it?

  Skeggs Ow-oo-ee!

  Blarney Mmmmmmah!

  The last in reaction to tasting the gooseberry wine. They genuinely like it. And they enjoy – eat heartily – everything that is offered them.

  Vicar (aside to Mrs Primrose) ‘Dang me!’?

  Mrs Primrose ’Tis the fashion – dontcha know.

  Dick and Bill have returned with another bottle of wine. Moses opens it.

  Thornhill (quietly, cueing Blarney) Ah the countryside.

  Blarney Ah the countryside!

  Skeggs Ah!

  Blarney I’m devoted to it!

  Skeggs We’re devoted!

  Blarney But don’t you girls need for town, for diversions in refinement?

  Skeggs What do country ladies do?

  Blarney Without Lord Easel’s exhibitions –

  Skeggs Easel’s exhibitions –

  Blarney Or Shakespeare, Carolina –

  Skeggs Or Shakespeare, your ladyship, and the musical glasses, mum?

  Mrs Primrose Don’t I know it, Miss Skeggs, don’t I know it, Lady Blarney; but what am I to do?

  Lights fading to sunset. Vicar has a word with Moses. Moses leaves, taking Dick and Bill and baskets – whatever is appropriate – home.

  Blarney The sun goes down!

  Skeggs The sons go home!

  Jenks But what sunshine lights the heart unpolluted with guilt!

  Thornhill (cueing/planting thought in Mrs Primrose’s mind) What a pity that this day has to end?

  Mrs Primrose What a pity that this day has to end!

  Thornhill (to Blarney) ‘Does it?’

  Blarney But does it?

  Skeggs Does it?

  Blarney For my part I’m unwilling to lose the company of these dear girls, Carolina.

  Skeggs Your ladyship, I twig. And speaking of diversions –

  Blarney Speaking of diversions in refinement–

  Skeggs Does a body need to go to the world for it?

  Blarney and Skeggs When Thornhill-Castle-yonder – Blarney Is near at hand.

  Skeggs And where –

  Blarney But there –

  Skeggs Would young ladies find refinement of an evening –

  Blarney Around here? I demand the company of these dear girls home.

  Mrs Primrose Oh!

  Skeggs And so do I.

  Mrs Primrose Charles?

  Skeggs For the night.

  Vicar Too kind.

  Thornhill No!

  Vicar Sudden.

  Jenks I myself would be at all times present.

  Olivia (whispers) Papa?

  Vicar (quietly) No.

  Mrs Primrose (to Vicar) There’s nothing I more wish for than their polishing and refining.

  Vicar I’d imagine, my dear, that as their breeding is already superior to their fortune, greater polish will only serve to make their poverty more ridiculous. Wisdom at last – sirs, ladies – bids us conform to our humble station.

  Mrs Primrose (a huffed aside) Cold water, Dr Primrose.


  Thornhill What wisdom, Sir? –

  Blarney (aside to him) Mum, Teddy –

  Thornhill What, do these two lovely girls not deserve?

  Blarney (aside) Leave it to us – Thornhill What, Sir?

  Skeggs Couple of hours to look at the Capting’s musical glasses!

  Thornhill Why, curse me, if a settlement of half my estate could give Miss Olivia or Miss – Miss – (Clicks his fingers, meaning ‘Sophy’.) pleasure, it would be theirs.

  Vicar You are most kind, but –

  Thornhill And the only favour I should ask in return is to add myself to the benefit!

  Vicar We have given up splendours, Mr Thornhill. Honour, sir, is our only possession at present. And of that last treasure we must be careful. You are our landlord – (And to the others:) You, sir, ladies, were guests to our humble cloth, and for the family which you condescended to favour with your company, I thank you.

  Blarney (kneels) Do you have any objection, Vicar, to giving prayers?

  Vicar Our Father, which art in heaven, we thank you for the bounty of this day. For its pleasures and disappointments. Bless all who are gathered here. And, as our faith in you is strong, increase our trust in one another. (He walks off; narrates.) For which, for the whole of the following day, I had nothing but sullen looks and short answers from my family.

  Mrs Primrose, Olivia and Sophy go home, disappointed.

  Jenks Send a haunch of venison tomorrow, Ned?

  Blarney A moonlight ball in front of their house on the following night?

  Skeggs (softly; plaintive; sorry for him) Capting?

  Thornhill . . . Amen.

  Act Two

  Scene One

  The Primrose House

  Sophy sorting through a pile of dresses. Mrs Primrose and Olivia, in, out, hustle-bustle, with articles of clothing and more dresses. Vicar comes in and stands in the middle of the excitement. They hardly notice his presence.

  Olivia Oh no, oh no, this (dress) will never do!

  Sophy Try the crinoline –

  Mrs Primrose What would you say to me in this? (Dress.)

  Olivia Where is it? – Where? – Please help! – Someone!

  Sophy It’s on the bed! –

  Mrs Primrose Or try the taffeta, Olivia!

  Vicar puts away his bible.

  Olivia Where?! (Is her taffeta.) Where?!

  Sophy I left it on the bed – the crinolene!

  Mrs Primrose Open your eyes, my dear!

  Vicar Supper?

  Mrs Primrose Organdie? (Would Vicar like her in the organdie dress.) Your bottom drawer the taffeta, Olivia, I said!

  Vicar What is this?

  Olivia It’s all rumpled –

  Sophy I’ll iron it –

  Vicar Deborah?

  Mrs Primrose Guess!

  Olivia The roughing’s come undone –

  Vicar Can’t. (He can’t guess.)

  Sophy I’ll sew it for you –

  Mrs Primrose Mr Thornhill.

  Vicar I’m still in a puzzlement.

  Mrs Primrose The haunch of venison he sent to us this morning?

  Vicar Yes?

  Mrs Primrose Why did he send us a haunch of venison?

  Vicar . . . To eat it?

  Sophy There’s going to be a ball, Papa.

  Olivia And I’m going to look awful.

  Mrs Primrose Now he is organising a ball for us, for tomorrow night, Charles, to be held in the moonlight in front of our house. And begging for Olivia’s hand in the dancing!

  Vicar A ball?

  Mrs Primrose Begging! (To Olivia.) Hold it up, my dear. (The dress.)

  Vicar A ball in front of this humble house?

  Mrs Primrose On the Green across . . . Well, I have known stranger things to happen.

  Vicar Stranger things than, my dear?

  Mrs Primrose Mr Thornhill and Olivia.

  Vicar Deborah, there is no character more contemptible than a fortune-hunting man, and I see no reason why a fortune-hunting woman should not be contemptible too!

  Mrs Primrose And I see no reason why the two Miss Wrinkles should marry warm fortunes and my girls get none!

  Vicar Nor I, nor I – Nor why Mr Simkins should draw twelve thousand pounds in the lottery while we sat down to a blank!

  Mrs Primrose Cold water, cold water! This is the way you always set out to damp me and my girls when we are in spirits.

  Vicar And whatever your opinion of Mr Thornhill, my children, and notwithstanding his generosity, I think he is perfectly sensible of the social distance between us.

  Mrs Primrose Would you not have us aspire?

  Vicar Let us keep to companions of our own rank.

  Mrs Primrose Where are they – pray tell, Dr Primrose! – the companions of our own rank in Low Groansbury? Not alone would you not have us aspire, you are seeking to drop us another rung. (She turns away.)

  Vicar No prudence on anyone’s part – Deborah! – could have prevented our late misfortune! But prudence can do much to disappoint its effects. Supper?

  Mrs Primrose (turns to him, holding up her organdie dress) You once told me, Charles, how you liked me in red.

  Vicar (calls) Moses! Where’s Moses?

  Moses (coming in) Father?

  Vicar And you shall prepare the coach.

  Moses The coach?

  Vicar Yes. For tomorrow evening.

  Moses But we have no coach.

  Vicar Bless me! That is so. Then we shall have to hire one or buy one.

  Mrs Primrose What is this – coach – to be for, my dear?

  Vicar To take us to the moonlight ball.

  Mrs Primrose But surely you –

  Vicar No-no! – you mistake, child, I do not jest. For though it’s but a step or two across to the Green out there, if we walk to it in this – trim – the very children of the village will hoot after us. These ruffings and pinkings and patchings will make us hated by the wives of our neighbours.

  Mrs Primrose You would not have us neat? You would have us, the guests of your landlord, Lady Blarney, Miss Skeggs and the Reverend Jenks, attend the ball dressed in our – smocks? . . . Or you would not have us attend at all?

  Vicar . . . You may be as neat as you please and I shall love you the better for it. But this is not neatness but frippery. These may be altered to a plainer cut.

  Moses And I have often thought that coat-tails are a vicious superfluity. (He goes out.)

  Vicar (narrating) My remonstrance to bring down the pride of my family to its circumstances had the proper effect, and they went with composure that very instant about their normal duties.

  Mrs Primrose (clearing things away) So much for our attempts at thrift. We shall not be so caught out again. Next time, we shall have bought new dresses, elegant and to size and kept hidden till the moment of demand.

  Dick (off) Mr Burchill!

  Bill (off) Mr Burchill!

  Mrs Primrose Bless me, here comes Mr Burchill, that poor gentleman we met on our journey and that fair run you down in argument!

  She goes off with Olivia with the pile of dresses. Both, in and out, through the following, with supper. Sophy lays the table. Burchill comes in with Dick and Bill, and Moses. Dick and Bill have whistles, presents from Burchill, made out of reeds.

  Burchill Hah, Primrose! (His greeting.)

  Vicar Mr Burchill, dear friend, welcome!

  Burchill The money I borrowed.

  Vicar Oh, I did not expect it back – so soon.

  Burchill Madam! Madam! (Olivia and Mrs Primrose.) Ah, Miss Sophia!

  Vicar (to Moses) See that Mr Burchill’s horse is given a drink.

  Moses I have already done so, Father, but found no horse.

  Vicar Sure, sir, you’re not now on foot!

  Burchill It has become my belief that we have grown too dependent on Equus caballus to the detriment of our health and, in experiment, the findings of which I shall publish in a book, I am resolved that, for a year, my sole means of locomotion wi
ll be effected by the ambulatory organs, be the journey of one or one hundred miles.

  Vicar (dubiously) Mmm!

  Sophy And I too consider the use of equestrian transport extreme and a denial of our self-sufficiency. I hope, sir, we shall be favoured with a sight of your findings.

  Burchill It is another of my beliefs that a young woman cannot esteem a man that seems poor?

  Sophy . . . Mmm!

  Vicar But come to our table. Let us leave off disputation until we have supped.

  Burchill Happily, but night falls and I have not yet arranged for lodgings.

  Mrs Primrose And in this small house all our beds are occupied.

  Dick Brother Moses, if I offer the part of the bed that I share with Bill to Mr Burchill, will you let me into your bed?

  Bill And Livy and Sophy, if I offer the other part, will you let me in with you?

  Vicar Well done, good children! It’s settled. Hospitality is one of the first Christian duties. Deborah, give those boys a lump of sugar each after supper, and let Dick’s be the largest because he spoke first.

  They sit to supper.

  Olivia You’d never guess whose present this venison is, Mr Burchill. A gift from our friend, Mr Thornhill.

  Mrs Primrose The squire, dontcha know.

  Burchill I did not know you had become acquainted.

  Mrs Primrose Acquainted? Oh yes!

  Olivia He dropped in – to our meadow – yesterday.

  Sophy Accompanied by two ladies and his chaplain.

  Mrs Primrose Possessed of such charm and wit. ‘Dearest Madam’: so respectful and affectionate all at once. And now will have nothing but to organise a ball for us tomorrow night.

  Olivia With music and refreshment.

  Mrs Primrose He has swept us off our feet. And begging for Olivia’s hand for the whole of the evening’s dancing.

  Burchill I am pleased to hear from your tone of voice that you do not put weight on these attentions as I happen to know that the marriage contract for young Thornhill’s betrothal to a wealthy young lady is being drawn up presently.

  Mrs Primrose . . . Where do you glean all your knowledge and information? Mr Burchill, you are a marvel: so full of news, a man without a horse!

  Vicar Ah, feasts of this kind acquire a double relish from sharing.

  Mrs Primrose You might perhaps even know the name of Mr Thornhill’s intended?

  Burchill I believe I do. It is a Miss Arabella Wilmot.

  Olivia She be George’s fiancée.

  Sophy Was, Livy, was.

  Vicar Another slice of venison, Mr Burchill?